Posted in Baking, bipolar disorder, Depression, Fiber, Grief, Suicide

Feeling Better, still…upset? Sad? Angry?

I’m still woking my way to understanding and sanity. I’ve written more conversations that I’ll never say out loud and that no one will ever read. Maybe. Someday. Right now, the feelings are still too raw. 

I’m closer to center, and I feel…solid. Like being centered is going to stay. Bipolar disorder is a lifetime full of mood surprises. I’ve no idea how long this solid feeling center will last. I do know that it won’t last. Sooner or late, I’ll have another mood surprise.

I did a google search to find a way to make sense of suicide and came across this site:https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/end-of-life/in-depth/suicide/art-20044900

It’s from the Mayo Clinic and I trust this website to have decent information. There’s a whole lot of inaccurate junk on the internet. So much of what is described in the article is an accurate description of what I felt and continue to feel. I’m troubled by the knowledge that I was brought back from the edge of suicide by a thin thread. Depending on your theology, this was either pure luck or divine intervention. Jim and I went hiking and I suddenly felt good. When we got home, the good feeling left and I realized I was depressed. I went on antidepressants immediately. I had no idea I was depressed. Yeah, right, Deb. How the heck can you be suicidal and not know you’re depressed. It’s easy. And that terrifies me. At the time I was aware that I was having a manic episode. I wasn’t aware I was having a mixed episode where both intense mania and intense depression coexist. Why am I allowed to continue life and John wasn’t? I want the world to make sense, and the world doesn’t make sense. The world has never made sense and will never make sense. I read murder mysteries and watch TV police dramas even though I know the shows are inaccurate. The world makes sense in murder mysteries and on television. Innocent people don’t go to prison in novels. Innocent people go to prison in courtrooms every day.

My world doesn’t make sense and I can’t figure out how to make the world make sense. And so I knit. And bake. This week, I made puff pastry. Um…..I’m not wild about puff pastry. I suppose it has its uses, but I don’t care for it.

I’ve made another scarf and bought yarn for four more scarves. So far, I’ve made 11 scarves and sold 5 of them. This one is listed in my store Deb Thuman Artwww.debthumanart.com

I’m linking with Nina Marie. Stop by and see what other artists are doing.http://ninamariesayre.blogspot.com

Author:

I retired from the Public Defender Dept. November 12, 2015 after 16 health destroying years. Now, I'm a full time multi-media artist and writer on a new adventure. As an artist, I create with beads, fabric, fiber, and ceramic clay. Sometimes separately; sometimes in assorted combinations. You can find my on-line store at: www.debthumanart.com.

5 thoughts on “Feeling Better, still…upset? Sad? Angry?

  1. Hello amazing woman. You share your life and let us in to see your soul. Bless you for your courage. Keep going strong. Your knitting and baking are good to see!! Sending love to you. Val Hearder.

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  2. who knows why you’re spending this life feeling thrown around the waves. It is scary to be at the whims of chemical waves. I think we come to earth to learn or experience something, and it’s rarely something easy or nice. I have been suicidal but I know the lessons are there and suspect if I checked out early I’d have to come back again. Oy. Once is enough, right? I cope with joint instability and nerve pain, that comes out of nowhere, so I know that feeling of being out of control. You are somewhat of a spokesperson for this, being so articulate and aware. You can put a face to this condition so others don’t feel alone. My niece is bipolar and will not treat it. You are always seeking an answer… LeeAnna

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  3. Dear Deb, thank you for your courage in sharing your experiences, (even if you don’t see it as courageous). I don’t know if this world was designed in such a way that it would make sense to anyone, which is another way of saying it does not make much sense to me even on good days. Take care and thanks again!

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  4. The world should make sense but it really doesn’t. I’m lucky I don’t have the mood swings you do so I can only offer support from the sidelines but I share your anger/surprise/confusion about the world, it should make sense. Bad people should not be in charge. There should be no profit in hurting people. Cheaters should win and generally more emphasis should be placed on helping not punishing.

    Hang onto what ever thread you find.

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